My inner thoughts are swirling, spiraling...
Condemning...
Throughout the day I have determined that the state of mind i am in...
is simply vile.
People make me feel this way.
All I want is some acceptance, beauty, peace...
Most of all....quiet.
I'm always contemplating my next move.
My life is the definition of a chess game at the moment.
I don't like games.
I want to be something bright, beautiful...
But at the moment I would just be happy with something.
Everyone my age (it seems) has a career, a future...
Some something they can say they have achieved.
I think to myself about what I have achieved and I'm disappointed.
Where is the tranquility in knowing you have nothing to claim as your own?
Where is the beauty or peace of mind knowing that you haven't provided a damn thing for anyone, not even yourself?
....
I have to focus.
I'm outside.
I've smoked a cigarette.
Condemning my lungs.
Calming myself for a short amount of time.
The surround sound is blaring old rock music.
The song dreamer has ended, now some guy with a raspy slightly nasally voice is singing about a city and alcohol...
I'm on board with this guy until the beat picks up and I feel like I've been ditched for a fast paced bluesy beat that makes no sense.
I can smell the pool water.
My dog at my feet.
I have laundry to hang up.
Phone call.
It's the "husband" he's telling me to call call centers to see if they're hiring.
I tell him I will.
I'm not.
I don't want to put myself in another vulnerable position at the mercy of someone who can fire me for stuttering over the phone too often.
I need a job.
No.
I need more than that.
I need a career.
Something I can rely on to rely on me.
Something that I enjoy, or can find some solace in.
Some position that wont fire me after a week.
And now I am back to square one...
*sigh* I've had enough.
It's time to hang the laundry and forget about things for a small time.
