Update...Nothing Has Really Changed Upstairs. But Let's Title This "The Loser In The Woods".

I'm 23 years old as of a month ago. I've been in a relationship, yes, an actual relationship, with a man named Branden. He's manly, has a beard, is a veteran, and he's sweet. (TBH it's kind of like I'm in a relationship with Khal Drogo, just more intelligent and sweet...Lol!)
I live with Branden and his family. After all of that time working at my shitty job, failing to make it on my own...He saved me. Not in the "let me financially rescue you" way, but in the "let me make you smile now and then and give you actual orgasms" way. (Yes, I just said that.) He helps me feel...comfortable.
I haven't had a job in a while...like in a year while. I'm not proud of it. Pretty disappointed actually. I left my job at the restaurant, lived with my dad in Louisiana. I got to visit New Orleans, and all I did was buy a poster, a mask, and get stoned. Then I stayed in Texas with his new wife, step daughter, and my half brother. (I tried to like them...but it was obvious that I will never be a part of the "new" family. I'm just old history. The kind you brush under a rug and only see when you're brushing more crap under the rug. It's not my dads fault.) I ended up moving away and staying with my mother.
After I moved in with my mom, I got a job cleaning houses for the elderly, rich, and rich elderly. I didn't get paid enough and I was extremely over worked. Things with my moms husband weren't so good. (I've never liked him. He's the worst kind of terrible you can imagine bottled inside of a human.) I went and lived with Branden in North Carolina to escape it all. 
Let me start this paragraph off by saying, North Carolina is literally the dumbest place I have ever had to be involved in. You know the feeling of mind numbing bored-ness? Slap your hand onto your face and lean with it onto your elbow while letting that feeling engulf you, and you have my experience with North Carolina. The dependa wives all look and act the same way. Fat, easily irritable, and surrounded by bratty children screaming so loud their tiny faces appear to be melting off. Their accessories usually include their husbands money and benefits, and a phone full of dick pics. The husbands fit into 3 categories, good, cheater, and deployed. And if there is anyone even remotely good looking, be cautious, they probably have an incurable STD. I left North Carolina after a couple of months.
I was supposed to be staying with Brandens family, but I ended up staying with my mom to try and recover from being over dosed on my antidepressants. (I didn't do it, the dosage was simply too high and it was increased. It was an honest accident from my Dr.) After finally getting better, I visited my friends, and then moved in with his family like initially planned.
I've stayed out here since then. Living in this tiny cabin out in the woods. I did go to school again. I failed. I've cried about it. I've moved on. I'm back to being at square one, just this time, I'm older, and still goth.
I'm still so unsure about where I'm going, and it's obvious that life can't be planned out and organised. My life is a cluttered clusterfuck of a mess. But I'm still trying, I still go to bed and plan to wake up and do something, anything tomorrow. That counts for something right?

What Am I Supposed To Say?

As of late, I have been single for 3 months. No more abusive asshole "husband".
However, I am currently without a home, without a car, and I have a very shitty job. Yay me! At least I have a job though. I am proud of the fact I've had this job for so long, it may be fast food, but, I like the people I work with, they aren't totally closed minded. I like the fact that I get to joke with them about how I actually am. I get to be myself for the most part. I do deal with allot of jerks through out the day, but I have customers who are good people, they care about what I do with my life. It's freeing, and refreshing.
But to put things on track, I live with a friend until August of this year (2013). My ex was cheating on me for 6 months and had a separate life with a girl that had given us problems through out or relationshit. It's not my problem that he likes a heroin addict more than me. I never did him wrong.
I have allot going on, sorry my mind isn't too focused on what I'm typing. I have to have a place to live, a car and a better paying job by August. How do you achieve that? Well, I'll tell you how. You work yourself till you think you're going to die from exhaustion, but you keep working. You wake up in the morning at 6 or 7 AM and put your work uniform on, put your game face on, brush the frizzies out of your hair, put on a pretty smile, and laugh at yourself in the mirror. You brush your teeth, run to the car, get to work, laugh at all of the lame pick up lines and jokes you hear. You finish your job, You come home, get on your laptop, search for schools or jobs that will help you excel and you apply the fuck out of yourself until you don't think you can do anymore. You take a breather, listen to some music, take your pills for weight loss even though you're not overweight, or fat. You eat some food, then go back to your computer and continue doing what you were doing, then you figure out what days you have free and you fill up those empty or not so busy days up with a bunch of hobbies that you've never really done before. You hang out with people you never thought you would hang out with. You become more outgoing, you make more friends, you fill your life with your friends.
This continues until things start working. You can't be negative anymore, you have your breakdowns because of your history with self harm, but you ignore it. You keep working to lose that extra weight you don't have, you keep working to make that extra cash you need, you keep working to achieve better things and know better people...You keep working on achieving better...You keep trying even when you want to give up. You keep trying even if you're broken, worn out, used. "You can do this" is your new motto...
This is my life. I haven't achieved jack shit yet, but I know I will. I have to.

Wishful deep thinking.

My inner thoughts are swirling, spiraling...
Condemning...
Throughout the day I have determined that the state of mind i am in...
is simply vile.
People make me feel this way.
All I want is some acceptance, beauty, peace...
Most of all....quiet.
I'm always contemplating my next move.
My life is the definition of a chess game at the moment.
I don't like games.
I want to be something bright, beautiful...
But at the moment I would just be happy with something.
Everyone my age (it seems) has a career, a future...
Some something they can say they have achieved.
I think to myself about what I have achieved and I'm disappointed.
Where is the tranquility in knowing you have nothing to claim as your own?
Where is the beauty or peace of mind knowing that you haven't provided a damn thing for anyone, not even yourself?
....
I have to focus.
I'm outside.
I've smoked a cigarette.
Condemning my lungs.
Calming myself for a short amount of time.
The surround sound is blaring old rock music.
The song dreamer has ended, now some guy with a raspy slightly nasally voice is singing about a city and alcohol...
I'm on board with this guy until the beat picks up and I feel like I've been ditched for a fast paced bluesy beat that makes no sense.
I can smell the pool water.
My dog at my feet.
I have laundry to hang up.
Phone call.
It's the "husband" he's telling me to call call centers to see if they're hiring.
I tell him I will.
I'm not.
I don't want to put myself in another vulnerable position at the mercy of someone who can fire me for stuttering over the phone too often.
I need a job.
No.
I need more than that.
I need a career.
Something I can rely on to rely on me.
Something that I enjoy, or can find some solace in.
Some position that wont fire me after a week.
And now I am back to square one...
*sigh* I've had enough.
It's time to hang the laundry and forget about things for a small time.

Deep Thinking In An Average Mind...

My thoughts are like spirals,
condescending to others and myself,
It makes me dream big and aim small,
attempt greatness and achieve simplicity.
My thoughts are overlapping,
waves of emotions and beliefs,
outgoing and becoming introverted,
reaching out while keeping my distance.
My thoughts are dreams in bubbles of color,
flashes of memories, thoughts for the future,
ideas mixed with make believe,
dancing dreams and harsh reality.
My thoughts are deep pools,
filling to the brim with hopes and ambitions,
drying out when reality takes a gulp,
I swim in my thoughts constantly,
soaking in the thoughts,
and over consuming like an alcoholic.
I bathe in my thoughts like a fish swims in water,
when I begin over thinking and analyzing,
I drown, attempt to swim to shore to dry out...
But I can never stay away from my thoughts for long,
the thoughts always rise and I'm forced to swim again..
Take a deep breath and dive right in,
the thoughts are deep,
but they're only contained in a small fishbowl.
Get ready to consume the natural beverage of life.

anime gothy dork, with a side of tea please?

Lately, for no apparent reason anime has been on my mind quite often. I guess for me it's a sort of an escape in a way. In anime there's girls with pink hair and cutesy dresses, or boob-tacular women with the self esteem of a Drill Sergeant and Jet Li combined, the bitchy pretty girl that everyone likes but is slightly afraid of, and there is always, always always, gothy girls who are adorable, talented but are so quiet their own amazing-ness is kept to themselves. There's men who are the nose bleeding perverts, the gay adorables, the quiet bad ass, and the overly self confident dork who wont allow himself to be put down. Not to mention the goals and missions of all of the characters are always fascinating and filled with this realistic feel as they go through their lives or travel to other places.
Anime really is the best way to get away for me. It feels as though when the characters are judged by one another it's only the bitchy pretty girl that ever says anything about looks, and there's never allot of those girls, well...in the series that I have watched anyways. Most of the judging is based on how the characters act 99% of the time. Which to me seems more sensible than harrassing someone because they put on a bow tie that you didn't agree with.Which I guess is why It's one of the best escapes I can find throughout my entire day. It takes the trouble away from all of the harrassing at the university, and it takes my mind off of...well, myself.
Lately I have been monitoring my food portions and increasing the liquids in my diet. This is what I've been trying not to think about. I know I shouldn't think this way but when the stress rises, it's true, I feel this is the only way to put a little bit of control on my life. Other than cleaning my own home, and walking the dog on a set schedule. I am far from anorexic if that's what your question is. I am a 5'7" 125 lbs maybe more at this rate young weirdo. However, even if there's some doctor going "Hubbubub, What's that? Signs of anorexia? Bah! She needs counceling, therapy, treatment and medication! Immediately!" I don't really care. I'd rather be anorexic and a stick figured goth (who in my own opinion is rather sexy) than this thunderthigh, muffin topped weirdo who is losing her gothy clothes for no apparent reason.
I've made efforts in school again though, I've determined that I do have to pass my algebra and at the least attempt my other classes. I'm concerned though about how I will continue paying the bills because if I continue failing my loans and grants will possibly be lowered or taken away all together. I know the subjects somewhat and I know I can pass if I try. I just can't continue to let the jerks who wonder the halls and decide it's funny to trip and harrass me during class win. It's unfair to my future self, and it's unfair to the current me. However, through out all of my efforts in algebra specifically my grade hasn't risen. Which is quite odd considering my homework is online and I'm automatically aware if I've completed the equation accurately or not, and I'm able to see my own grades. I was wondering if the teacher was grading wrong or if she missed something, but I've came to the conclusion she's just another bitch hiding behind a smile and desk when I got my last report card saying my grade lowered by yet another 10%.
In the mean time though, I've managed to adopt a puppy who loves to harrass my cat and run around the house and pee everywhere because he tends to be overly happy. Loki is his name, he's a border collie, and he's the greatest and sweetest addition to my edgar allen poe styled apartment that I have ever had. Although him and Baby (my cat) play fight constantly and it's to the point I can't tell if the cat or dog is growling and barking, they love each other. They both love to take baths together like two small children at a slumber party, and they both follow me everywhere, even if I simply have to go to the restroom. I have to admit, it's definitely awkward seeing four eyes staring at you the whole time you try to pee, but if you put them both in the tub and close the shower curtain it makes going a little bit easier. Although Lokis potty training hasn't been going smoothly because of his anxious peeing and his sleep peeing, he has been catching on enough to take care of the really dirty stuff outside, and he's even learned how to sit, stay, and roll over within the week that I've had him. However, I just can't wait till the smell of urine is out of my house and it goes back to smelling like pretty berries, and furniture polish.
My life has been a mess lately, I'm trying desperately to get it organized again, and I hope just like anyone else that I get to make it somewhere some day. Thank you for reading this ridiculous post, and thank you for the time you think you've wasted. I hope someone out there can relate...even if it's only a tiny bit. It's nice to feel like there's someone to relate to.

I am fire, and they are ice....but not for long.

I burn with a single glimmer of hope, I base my life on the beauty and kindness of others. As of lately, there have been so many blocks of ice deflecting my movements, preventing me from finding the food that I need to survive. Preventing me from growing and becoming brighter. Preventing me from finding myself, preventing me from becoming something so beautiful, I still can't even comprehend it myself. But they don't seem to understand, they are ice, small particles of frozen water, and I am fire. It will be difficult, but I will devour their harsh cold hearts and at the end of it all, I will become who I am supposed to be, the attempt of the cavemen to the modern day business men, I will become fire.

not wearing shoes and stepping on a lego.

Stepping on a lego is painful, it's ridiculous, it's the smallest most illogical moment in almost every persons mind, when they step on a lego and feel the sharp pain that shoots through their foot. It's like stubbing a toe, but worse, because a lego can send pain throughout the entire foot. It pisses off the nerves and muscles in your foot, and for that 10 seconds of pain, you think of how stupid legos are. But I think, that legos are amusing, a childs toy, a simple plastic block with holes and protruding pieces, something that children play with when they're bored. And it's so quick to irritate the living hell out of any adult that has to clean them up from the floor, or has the unlucky opportunity to be barefoot and step on one.
I think I can relate myself to being a lego of human society, children look at me and find me amusing with my piercings and crazy clothes, adults look at me like I'm nothing, like I'm nothing but a block in the middle of the floor that they have to clean or might step on. But just like the lego, they don't see my true potential. I can build myself into something amazing, and if built with the proper skill I can be considered a work of art, an amazing creation, or something special. However, it takes a special person to see that. Which is why society shuns me, because they're not special, they can't see the magic that I'm hiding, they can't see my true potential, my true self, they just see a block that's in the middle of the floor threatening the safety of their foot.