Wishful deep thinking.

My inner thoughts are swirling, spiraling...
Condemning...
Throughout the day I have determined that the state of mind i am in...
is simply vile.
People make me feel this way.
All I want is some acceptance, beauty, peace...
Most of all....quiet.
I'm always contemplating my next move.
My life is the definition of a chess game at the moment.
I don't like games.
I want to be something bright, beautiful...
But at the moment I would just be happy with something.
Everyone my age (it seems) has a career, a future...
Some something they can say they have achieved.
I think to myself about what I have achieved and I'm disappointed.
Where is the tranquility in knowing you have nothing to claim as your own?
Where is the beauty or peace of mind knowing that you haven't provided a damn thing for anyone, not even yourself?
....
I have to focus.
I'm outside.
I've smoked a cigarette.
Condemning my lungs.
Calming myself for a short amount of time.
The surround sound is blaring old rock music.
The song dreamer has ended, now some guy with a raspy slightly nasally voice is singing about a city and alcohol...
I'm on board with this guy until the beat picks up and I feel like I've been ditched for a fast paced bluesy beat that makes no sense.
I can smell the pool water.
My dog at my feet.
I have laundry to hang up.
Phone call.
It's the "husband" he's telling me to call call centers to see if they're hiring.
I tell him I will.
I'm not.
I don't want to put myself in another vulnerable position at the mercy of someone who can fire me for stuttering over the phone too often.
I need a job.
No.
I need more than that.
I need a career.
Something I can rely on to rely on me.
Something that I enjoy, or can find some solace in.
Some position that wont fire me after a week.
And now I am back to square one...
*sigh* I've had enough.
It's time to hang the laundry and forget about things for a small time.

Deep Thinking In An Average Mind...

My thoughts are like spirals,
condescending to others and myself,
It makes me dream big and aim small,
attempt greatness and achieve simplicity.
My thoughts are overlapping,
waves of emotions and beliefs,
outgoing and becoming introverted,
reaching out while keeping my distance.
My thoughts are dreams in bubbles of color,
flashes of memories, thoughts for the future,
ideas mixed with make believe,
dancing dreams and harsh reality.
My thoughts are deep pools,
filling to the brim with hopes and ambitions,
drying out when reality takes a gulp,
I swim in my thoughts constantly,
soaking in the thoughts,
and over consuming like an alcoholic.
I bathe in my thoughts like a fish swims in water,
when I begin over thinking and analyzing,
I drown, attempt to swim to shore to dry out...
But I can never stay away from my thoughts for long,
the thoughts always rise and I'm forced to swim again..
Take a deep breath and dive right in,
the thoughts are deep,
but they're only contained in a small fishbowl.
Get ready to consume the natural beverage of life.

anime gothy dork, with a side of tea please?

Lately, for no apparent reason anime has been on my mind quite often. I guess for me it's a sort of an escape in a way. In anime there's girls with pink hair and cutesy dresses, or boob-tacular women with the self esteem of a Drill Sergeant and Jet Li combined, the bitchy pretty girl that everyone likes but is slightly afraid of, and there is always, always always, gothy girls who are adorable, talented but are so quiet their own amazing-ness is kept to themselves. There's men who are the nose bleeding perverts, the gay adorables, the quiet bad ass, and the overly self confident dork who wont allow himself to be put down. Not to mention the goals and missions of all of the characters are always fascinating and filled with this realistic feel as they go through their lives or travel to other places.
Anime really is the best way to get away for me. It feels as though when the characters are judged by one another it's only the bitchy pretty girl that ever says anything about looks, and there's never allot of those girls, well...in the series that I have watched anyways. Most of the judging is based on how the characters act 99% of the time. Which to me seems more sensible than harrassing someone because they put on a bow tie that you didn't agree with.Which I guess is why It's one of the best escapes I can find throughout my entire day. It takes the trouble away from all of the harrassing at the university, and it takes my mind off of...well, myself.
Lately I have been monitoring my food portions and increasing the liquids in my diet. This is what I've been trying not to think about. I know I shouldn't think this way but when the stress rises, it's true, I feel this is the only way to put a little bit of control on my life. Other than cleaning my own home, and walking the dog on a set schedule. I am far from anorexic if that's what your question is. I am a 5'7" 125 lbs maybe more at this rate young weirdo. However, even if there's some doctor going "Hubbubub, What's that? Signs of anorexia? Bah! She needs counceling, therapy, treatment and medication! Immediately!" I don't really care. I'd rather be anorexic and a stick figured goth (who in my own opinion is rather sexy) than this thunderthigh, muffin topped weirdo who is losing her gothy clothes for no apparent reason.
I've made efforts in school again though, I've determined that I do have to pass my algebra and at the least attempt my other classes. I'm concerned though about how I will continue paying the bills because if I continue failing my loans and grants will possibly be lowered or taken away all together. I know the subjects somewhat and I know I can pass if I try. I just can't continue to let the jerks who wonder the halls and decide it's funny to trip and harrass me during class win. It's unfair to my future self, and it's unfair to the current me. However, through out all of my efforts in algebra specifically my grade hasn't risen. Which is quite odd considering my homework is online and I'm automatically aware if I've completed the equation accurately or not, and I'm able to see my own grades. I was wondering if the teacher was grading wrong or if she missed something, but I've came to the conclusion she's just another bitch hiding behind a smile and desk when I got my last report card saying my grade lowered by yet another 10%.
In the mean time though, I've managed to adopt a puppy who loves to harrass my cat and run around the house and pee everywhere because he tends to be overly happy. Loki is his name, he's a border collie, and he's the greatest and sweetest addition to my edgar allen poe styled apartment that I have ever had. Although him and Baby (my cat) play fight constantly and it's to the point I can't tell if the cat or dog is growling and barking, they love each other. They both love to take baths together like two small children at a slumber party, and they both follow me everywhere, even if I simply have to go to the restroom. I have to admit, it's definitely awkward seeing four eyes staring at you the whole time you try to pee, but if you put them both in the tub and close the shower curtain it makes going a little bit easier. Although Lokis potty training hasn't been going smoothly because of his anxious peeing and his sleep peeing, he has been catching on enough to take care of the really dirty stuff outside, and he's even learned how to sit, stay, and roll over within the week that I've had him. However, I just can't wait till the smell of urine is out of my house and it goes back to smelling like pretty berries, and furniture polish.
My life has been a mess lately, I'm trying desperately to get it organized again, and I hope just like anyone else that I get to make it somewhere some day. Thank you for reading this ridiculous post, and thank you for the time you think you've wasted. I hope someone out there can relate...even if it's only a tiny bit. It's nice to feel like there's someone to relate to.

I am fire, and they are ice....but not for long.

I burn with a single glimmer of hope, I base my life on the beauty and kindness of others. As of lately, there have been so many blocks of ice deflecting my movements, preventing me from finding the food that I need to survive. Preventing me from growing and becoming brighter. Preventing me from finding myself, preventing me from becoming something so beautiful, I still can't even comprehend it myself. But they don't seem to understand, they are ice, small particles of frozen water, and I am fire. It will be difficult, but I will devour their harsh cold hearts and at the end of it all, I will become who I am supposed to be, the attempt of the cavemen to the modern day business men, I will become fire.

not wearing shoes and stepping on a lego.

Stepping on a lego is painful, it's ridiculous, it's the smallest most illogical moment in almost every persons mind, when they step on a lego and feel the sharp pain that shoots through their foot. It's like stubbing a toe, but worse, because a lego can send pain throughout the entire foot. It pisses off the nerves and muscles in your foot, and for that 10 seconds of pain, you think of how stupid legos are. But I think, that legos are amusing, a childs toy, a simple plastic block with holes and protruding pieces, something that children play with when they're bored. And it's so quick to irritate the living hell out of any adult that has to clean them up from the floor, or has the unlucky opportunity to be barefoot and step on one.
I think I can relate myself to being a lego of human society, children look at me and find me amusing with my piercings and crazy clothes, adults look at me like I'm nothing, like I'm nothing but a block in the middle of the floor that they have to clean or might step on. But just like the lego, they don't see my true potential. I can build myself into something amazing, and if built with the proper skill I can be considered a work of art, an amazing creation, or something special. However, it takes a special person to see that. Which is why society shuns me, because they're not special, they can't see the magic that I'm hiding, they can't see my true potential, my true self, they just see a block that's in the middle of the floor threatening the safety of their foot.

So Little Sleep, So Much Time....

I woke up today at 1 AM, I laid in bed for over an hour before finally getting up. I skipped a class yesterday because I was exhausted. Not to mention I walked out on Algebra and then decided not to do the test that was due last night. I'm getting frustrated.
I just need to get away from it all. I'm getting frustrated with school, I don't fit in. I don't get recognition if I exceed the others in class, I'm treated like I don't exist. I've been trying to figure out why. The only person who recognized me yesterday was someone I went to school with before. Her name is KK, her little friend who was following her around made me feel odd. Once KK came into the picture, the "husband" practically ditched me to talk about all of his amazing and hard times trying to get into the school and how he was so proud of her for finally making it there. I wondered why I never got that form of recognition when I enrolled. I felt like I was invisible other than the girl that followed KK around, she noticed me, I was a giant compared to her and she was tiny, petite and the classic adorable asian with bunny slip ons. She was probably wondering who the tall goth that managed to be out of the conversation was still in the conversation and how something as adorable as her was left out.
Eventually the "husband" left and went inside to go to class, ditching me again, not caring if I followed or not. I walked to the coney plastic cigarette trash can to throw out my cigarette butt, and the small girl moved away from me like I was toxic. I guess I am if you consider all of the cigarettes I can smoke within a 20 minute period of frustration.
I went to class, thinking I was already late, thinking about how I already was ready to be home, in bed snuggling with my pillows and letting my cat 'Baby' walk on my face and then sleep ontop of my head. I sat down, noticed a girl was arguing with the teacher about how the book store was still out of Algebra books. I passed her a note offering one from a friend who had one from the previous semester. She reminded me of the little girl on the movie "The Little Princess", the sloppy hair pulled into a sloppy pony tail. I felt like I just offered her a new pair of shoes for friendship. She was more than happy to give me her number and name on the note I gave her, asking me to call or text her when I find out if she could have the book or not. Of course I found out she could have it. I just have been afraid to text her telling her that.
I left class, and was again ditched by the "husband". Guy time, he needed space "for atleast 15 minutes, we're just gonna go to McDonalds, and then I'll come right back." He left, not hearing that I was hungry too, and that I was skipping my last class to go home.
I wandered around the parking lots in the cold for well over half an hour before he was back, went home, still didn't eat, I realized I hadn't eaten all day, I didn't care. I cleaned the house, did the dishes, dusted the furniture, then I went to bed. I don't understand why going to sleep has been so important to me lately. Normally, I have a regular sleep pattern, I'm on time for my classes, I never miss a day, I never skip a class, I have people to talk to, friends that call me after class, friends that want to hang out, talk about getting their hair or makeup styled by me. Friends that want nothing to do, but have a good time. Now I wonder where all of those people have gone, and why I'm so tired all of the time.
I wonder if my honesty has finally gotten me in the pits of depression, or if I'm just struggling with things like everyone else. But then I remember, everyone else on campus is talking about the "badass party that happened last night".
I want so badly to have friends that want to hang out every day. I want those people who talk about getting shit faced wasted and how they're hung over. I want people to want to come over to study with me. I just want a friend that I can talk to every day without feeling like, they're going to go home and make fun of me. I want honesty like I can give to others. Am I the last person alive who doesn't care what others look like, act like, and dress like? Am I the last open minded person that's tainted with brutal honesty? I'm treated like the plague, and I want to know why? But that seems to be all that I'm good at to anyone, is asking questions. Making people uncomfortable, talking about politics, equal rights marriage, and equal rights opportunities. It seems like an every day routine to get a 'John Lennon' song stuck in my head at this rate.
I'm still trying to find myself, but I think I'm lost in the opinions, slander and bullshit of everyone else.

my first paperthought...

I don't have much to say, and I'm still unsure of how this works completely. I just hope that this will be my place to release my thoughts and just allow myself to feel better.
It's 6 AM and I've been awake since yesterday, I've been wanting to go to bed for hours and hours, but I've continued to stay awake for no particular reason. And it seems as though I've gotten myself into a situation, I'm going to have to either try to stay awake an entire day again, or convince the husband that we really should just go to sleep and get back on schedule tomorrow for school.
On the topic of school, the University I've been attending is becoming that much more difficult, I've been wondering more and more if I'm really cut out for all of this stuff. Is this really what I should be doing with my life? What if I get into the career this education leads me to, and I absolutely hate it? What do I do then? I feel guilty every time I have to schedule myself for another semester, and I think the only reason is because I'm not happy about getting myself into this much debt, or the fact that when I finally recieve my leftovers from the loan money I get to have fun with it. I guess this really is America, the land of the horribly broke, and the unsettling happiness that comes with owing people hundreds of thousands of someone elses hard earned money.
In the meantime, I'm still sitting here fumbling over silly thoughts of debt, wars, and whether I should just go to bed or continue to watch my cat sleep peacefully and think dirty thoughts about how she's so lucky she gets to sleep all day. I'm still concerned about school as well, but I can definitely feel the sleep consuming my mind. I wonder if I'll be this tired when I have to pick out another shit outfit that wont make the other students push me down the stairs. Yay! Go figure, you're reading a post from the classic gothic/punk freak that everyone hates for no apparently good reason at every university, at every home town, and at every brick wall.
In my mind, things are quite paranoid, and worried constantly, I constantly wonder if this is a good thing for the average adult. But most of all, I'm wondering how many readers find me to be insane yet, or find me disgusting just because I mentioned the words goth and punk in a single sentence. But you as the reader, know everything. In your own judgemental and derogatory thought filled mind I'm sure you've decided if this post is enough to keep you interested or not, or if I meet your standards of what's good enough for you. So it's up to you, will you continue reading, or will you toss these words away like a story about algebraic theories?