I woke up today at 1 AM, I laid in bed for over an hour before finally getting up. I skipped a class yesterday because I was exhausted. Not to mention I walked out on Algebra and then decided not to do the test that was due last night. I'm getting frustrated.
I just need to get away from it all. I'm getting frustrated with school, I don't fit in. I don't get recognition if I exceed the others in class, I'm treated like I don't exist. I've been trying to figure out why. The only person who recognized me yesterday was someone I went to school with before. Her name is KK, her little friend who was following her around made me feel odd. Once KK came into the picture, the "husband" practically ditched me to talk about all of his amazing and hard times trying to get into the school and how he was so proud of her for finally making it there. I wondered why I never got that form of recognition when I enrolled. I felt like I was invisible other than the girl that followed KK around, she noticed me, I was a giant compared to her and she was tiny, petite and the classic adorable asian with bunny slip ons. She was probably wondering who the tall goth that managed to be out of the conversation was still in the conversation and how something as adorable as her was left out.
Eventually the "husband" left and went inside to go to class, ditching me again, not caring if I followed or not. I walked to the coney plastic cigarette trash can to throw out my cigarette butt, and the small girl moved away from me like I was toxic. I guess I am if you consider all of the cigarettes I can smoke within a 20 minute period of frustration.
I went to class, thinking I was already late, thinking about how I already was ready to be home, in bed snuggling with my pillows and letting my cat 'Baby' walk on my face and then sleep ontop of my head. I sat down, noticed a girl was arguing with the teacher about how the book store was still out of Algebra books. I passed her a note offering one from a friend who had one from the previous semester. She reminded me of the little girl on the movie "The Little Princess", the sloppy hair pulled into a sloppy pony tail. I felt like I just offered her a new pair of shoes for friendship. She was more than happy to give me her number and name on the note I gave her, asking me to call or text her when I find out if she could have the book or not. Of course I found out she could have it. I just have been afraid to text her telling her that.
I left class, and was again ditched by the "husband". Guy time, he needed space "for atleast 15 minutes, we're just gonna go to McDonalds, and then I'll come right back." He left, not hearing that I was hungry too, and that I was skipping my last class to go home.
I wandered around the parking lots in the cold for well over half an hour before he was back, went home, still didn't eat, I realized I hadn't eaten all day, I didn't care. I cleaned the house, did the dishes, dusted the furniture, then I went to bed. I don't understand why going to sleep has been so important to me lately. Normally, I have a regular sleep pattern, I'm on time for my classes, I never miss a day, I never skip a class, I have people to talk to, friends that call me after class, friends that want to hang out, talk about getting their hair or makeup styled by me. Friends that want nothing to do, but have a good time. Now I wonder where all of those people have gone, and why I'm so tired all of the time.
I wonder if my honesty has finally gotten me in the pits of depression, or if I'm just struggling with things like everyone else. But then I remember, everyone else on campus is talking about the "badass party that happened last night".
I want so badly to have friends that want to hang out every day. I want those people who talk about getting shit faced wasted and how they're hung over. I want people to want to come over to study with me. I just want a friend that I can talk to every day without feeling like, they're going to go home and make fun of me. I want honesty like I can give to others. Am I the last person alive who doesn't care what others look like, act like, and dress like? Am I the last open minded person that's tainted with brutal honesty? I'm treated like the plague, and I want to know why? But that seems to be all that I'm good at to anyone, is asking questions. Making people uncomfortable, talking about politics, equal rights marriage, and equal rights opportunities. It seems like an every day routine to get a 'John Lennon' song stuck in my head at this rate.
I'm still trying to find myself, but I think I'm lost in the opinions, slander and bullshit of everyone else.
I think most girls know how this feels from time to time unless they are some kind of uber-socialite or just ignorant of the world around them. My only theories at to why this happens so much to you is that either the majority of your classmates fear what they don't understand (your alternative fashion)...OR! There are many of these people that admire your look/attitude and long to strike up a conversation with you or be friends but are afraid. Maybe they think that all people like us are automatically anti-social or give off the vibes that we are too cool to associate with others. I encounter that from time to time....and embarrassed as I am to admit it, am often guilty of that sort of thinking. Sometimes I notice people out in public who I really admire for how they dress or carry themselves, but always think that they wouldn't possibly want to talk to me or even receive my compliments. That they would shun me because I'm not as "hardcore" as they. But we all need to learn that you never know until you try! You made the effort to talk to the "Little Princess" girl and she accepted you...
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